Friday, December 10, 2010

On the Phone

"So I've been trying to bust into the calendar business for over fifteen years now . . . I know! That's what I said . . . I know! You gotta be kiddin' me! So anyways, I'd been thinkin' to myself, 'who are the major players in this game?'. . . Good question, right? So 'den I took a look over to my fridge and saw it, I had an epiphany. . . a revelation! I says to myself, 'You are such a fuckin' idiot!'. . . I see 'der, right smack dab on the freezah' door that fuckin' picture, you knows da one . . . Da one. . . with da old folks on it. . . you know . . . Whater' 'der names . . . Oh yeah, Fred and Wilma Hobel. 'Sumptin like dat.

Fred and Lois Hoebel

Anyways, 'dey got dat magnet they mail out to the whole fuckin' county with their dumbass pictures on it, just so that people will wanna call 'em and get 'em to sell 'der house. I noticed to myself 'dat on the current years magnet, 'der was a little calendar hanging from it. I know right! Brilliant fuckin' idea! So anyways, I'm just standin' 'der, starin' at 'dis thing, thinkin' to myself, 'Tony, you're such a fuckin' idiot, why didn't you tink-a-dis before! Magnet Calenders!' I know right? That's what I says! It's fuckin' two-tousand-an-ate! So anyways, like I said, I'm just standin' 'der, staring at these two old farts' ugly mugs. 'Den it came to me. Oh! Did iiittt come to me! I'm standin' 'der, and I say to myself, "What the fuck are 'dese two geriatrics' faces doin' up on my fridge?" You know me, I don't like 'dat sort-a-tang. So I says to myself, "Tony, what do you wanna see stickin' like a magnet up on your fridge?" What do you tink I wanna see!? Twenny-Four pairs-a-tits hanging out of neon colored bikinis. One pair for every month! Do you or don't you get where I'm goin' wit dis? No! Not twenny-four pairs of tits on every page, on pair of tits for every month. I swear to God, sometimes I think I outta . . . So anyways, you see where I'm goin' with dis, right? 'Dats right! I reached down into 'da fridge and pulled out a bucket-a-Heineken I had been coolin' off for a while. 'Chu know, to get my day started! And oh my God, I swear to God I must be some sort a genius. The cherry on top of this whhooolllleeee tit-calender ice-cream sundae jumped right down outta 'da lips of 'da virgin Mary, God bless-ah, and into my ears. You know what I thought to myself? This is what I thought. Sure, people like tits, and bikinis, and beaches, yadda yadda yadda. But in 'dis day-in-age, one thing ain't enough for most folks. Hell, even Freddy and Wilma Bobel over 'der got two things going on. What things? Come on, are you even listening to me? Keeping track of 'da days-a-da-week, and sellin' your house! Well, since 'dey already beat me to the keeping track of 'da days-a-da-week, I had to throw in something extra, sumptin' special. And lemme tell ya Cha, it came to me, oh did it come to me. So I'm reaching for my Heineken, and outta the mouf of the blessed virgin Mary I heard my solution. Beer . . . Vino . . . Alchy-hol . . . Da good stuff! People, myself included, love dis' stuff! What goes perfect with Vino? Tits! What goes perfect with tits? Bikinis. What do Bikinis and Vino have in common? 'Dey bof start with da letter "B". I know right? I'm a fuckin' prodigy! So anyways, just 'den, I gave a call to my buddy, you know him, right? Danny Pelegrino. No, dats not his real name, who do you think I am? I calls him 'dat because-a-da-way his always spittin', spittin' up foamy bubbly spit, just like that river or whatever in Italy 'dat they put in all 'da fancy green bottles 'dat 'dey outta be puttin' vino in. Anyways, he's got some sort of "Computer Printer" and loves tits almost as much as I do. So I figured we could print out a coupla-million of 'deese things and pass 'em around all 'da liquah shops in town. I know! I'm gunna be fuckin' loaded 'dis time next week.

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