Friday, April 8, 2011

More Interoffice Correspondence

Yours Truly says: “Good morning representatives of Mankind! And a jovial “hello” to you as well, Dogs. Let me begin by thanking both of you for the basket of apples that arrived in my temperature controlled food storage bin this morning. Yes, the apples are scrumptious. No, I’m not addicted – yet! Ha, I’m just hoping that neither of have mistaken me for Snow White! You know, because of my skin. Ha, only foolin’.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road already! Shall we? Ok, before we all start the work day, The Head – or “La Cabeza” for our Spanish speakers in the audience tonight, asked me to read out loud, in his voice, a letter that he had written only moments before I began my trek to the office bright and early this morning.

Ok… let me see here. Wow! He starts it with a truly old-fashioned question. Ok, geez. Well, here we go.


“My grandfather used to sit me on his knee and ask me this question every morning. By-the-way, for you information, I am not asking you this question. This is a rhetorical question. I am well aware, meaning, I already know how silly this question will sound to you, my employees. Bear with me. I have a point that I want to make. Something I think you all need to remember. Something I can’t believe you all have forgotten, again. The question is: “If you could travel backwards or forwards in time, to any point that had ever existed or will exist, and while you were inside that particular point in time, you only got to speak with one person, to what point in time would you travel, and with whom would you speak?”

The point that I want to make is that everyone here tonight is really ungrateful of everything I have ever done in my entire life. The human-being resource office, down here at headquarters, is getting more complaints today, than yesterday. This is not sustainable. I cannot sustain this. Neither can I stand it!

Please, knock it off. Yes, all of it. Knock it all off. In my opinion, each and every one of my employees is way to close to goofing off. Knock it off. Don’t goof off. If it wasn’t for my grandfather asking me the rhetorical question I posed to you all moments ago, I never would have had the insatiable desire to meet the first one of us! Do you see where I am going with all of this? Do you? If you are thinking “Yes, I see where he is going with all of this” then ask yourself this question, “Do you really?”

I mean to express that if I wasn’t asked that question every morning, sitting upon my Grandfather’s knee, none of you would have jobs. Alright? Is that clear?

So, everyone in attendance tonight, please bow your heads, close your eyes, open your hearts, and repeat after me:

“I will stop having problems that I feel compelled to submit to the human resource office.

I am thankful for my job.

I feel good about this.

Thank you, The Head”

And one more thing, I realize, meaning “I know”, that no one has to “know” anything anymore – thanks to me, and I realize that no one has to “remember” anything anymore. Even so, I am going to ask you all another question. A different kind of question. Your grandparents and great-grandparents and great-great-grandparents would have known the answer to this question I am about to ask you all. They would have known that what I am about to ask you is a “Science” question. Ok? So listen up.

What is it about us human beings that is different? Why did human beings end up on top of the food chain? Why not lions, or dinosaurs, or even dogs for that matter? Why are we the fortunate few who get to eat three meals a day through our nostrils? Because we know the secret of evolution. What is the secret of evolution you ask? Oh, sorry, I forgot nobody remembers anything these days. Well, let me tell you. The secret of evolution is that it behooves you to behoove. It has been established as a fact that we are the way we are because we were the species that learned how to behoove the best.

Do you see where I am going with this, human beings? If any of you want to keep your jobs, it would behoove you to behave yourselves from time to time. Let’s not forget what happened yesterday!

Your boss,

The Head”

Ok… Did everyone get that? Alright guys, I don’t feel like saying much else. If anyone has any questions, the door to my office is always open. Come on by anytime. Let me conclude by once again, thanking both of you for the basket of apples. Ok, well, representatives of Mankind, start working now. Remember, enjoy yourselves!”

No comments:

Post a Comment