Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Natural and Artificial Flavors

…Well, then, does God love fictional characters?

No, Son, God does not love fictional characters.

Then… does God love people in movies?

Of course God loves the people who are in movies, Son

So God loves Robin Hood and Little John and Maid Marian?

Oh, Son… Are you talking about Robin Hood the movie?


Son… Robin Hood and Little John and Maid Marian are fictional characters; I’ve already explained this to you.

But you told me God loves the people in movies…

The actors Son, the actors

What are actors again?

Son, actors are the people who play the characters in the movies. In the movies, Robin Hood is a fictional character, he is a cartoon. Son, there is an actor who speaks for Robin Hood.

What do you mean?

An actor gives Robin Hood his voice, Son.

But Dad told me Robin Hood was a real person!

Yes, Son… Well… Maybe… Robin Hood might have been a real person sometime in history.


Yes, Son?

Is history a movie?

No, no… Son, history is everything that has ever happened. The Cream of Wheat you ate this morning is history!

Oh, ok. So history is not a movie?

Good, Son, good.

So then… God loves Robin Hood?

Let me try to help you understand this, Son. God only loves sinners.

What are sinners?

I will explain that to you, if you let me get to that.


Ok, Son, sinners are… Well… We are all sinners. I am a sinner, you are a sinner, Mr. Rogers is a sinner.

Mom! God does not love Mr. Rogers.

What? What are you talking about? Why is that, Son?

Mr. Rogers is a movie!

No, no, no, Son. Mr. Rogers is a man, he is a real person. He is just on television. People are not movies, and neither are characters in movies. Characters are in movies, but people are on television. Mr. Rogers is on television.


Wait, wait, wait, Son. You still need to understand what a sinner is.


Because you are one.

Oh, ok.

Sinners are… are… Sinners are messed up! We’re all people, and we’re all sinners, and we are all messed up. Wait, Son, wait! Sinners are not just messed up. Sinners are evil! Sinners are bad, bad people. We are all evil, we are all bad people!

Oh, ok. So Mr. Rogers is evil?

Yes, son, yes! Finally, you understand.

What makes people become sinners?

Oh! Nothing! Ha, no one can become a sinner. We are just born this way. Everyone is a sinner. This is just the way we are!

Oh, ok. So, I am a sinner?

Yes! Son… Geez. Wow. Yum. That is music to my ears. It tickles me pink to hear that you know that you are a sinner!

Why, Mom? Why does it tickle you pink? Why is that music to your ears!

Are you ready for the best part?

Uhm, ok?

You have just received the key! Now that you know you are a sinner, you can unlock the door of your heart and invite God to come live in your heart’s house.


Son! Son! You can invite God to come live in your heart. He gives you eternal life!


Son, since you are a sinner, since we are all sinners… Well, Son… there are two things that can happen to a sinner when a sinner dies.


Son, if a sinner dies, and God is living in that sinner’s heart’s house… Son, when a sinner dies with God inside their heart, they get lifted up to heaven to be with God forever and ever. For all eternity!


Eternity… Eternity is… It is… Longer than anything you can ever imagine! Imagine the car-ride to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in Indiana… Are you imagining it?


Now, imagine that the car ride never ever, ever, ever ended! We just keep driving and driving forever, and ever and never ever, ever get to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.


So, if you die with God in your heart, you get to live in the clouds with every sinner that has ever died with God in their hearts. This place you go when you die with God in your heart is called Heaven. It is the best place ever! It is better than anything that you will ever know here on earth. It is the best! Oh, but only the sort of sinners that go to our church will be in heaven.

Will Jaime be in heaven?

Yes, Son, she will be as long as she dies with God in her heart.

Yuk. I don’t want to go to heaven.

No, Son. No! Don’t you understand? Heaven will be awesome. It is the best place ever! Wait, wait, wait. I forgot to tell you!


Do you remember eternity? Do you remember how long it is? How long it feels?


Ok, ok. Son, if a sinner dies without God in their heart, they have no balloon to lift them up to heaven, the best place ever. They fall down, down, down into HELL! In hell, there is only fire, and brimstone, and the smell of sulfur, and sodomy, and rape, and pain, sorrow, and sadness. Everyone in hell is always burning. They are so thirsty down there! There is no water to drink. Everything is dry! There is no water!


Imagine driving to Grandma and Grandpa’s house forever, and ever without any water, or even Mountain Dew to drink!

What? No Mountain Dew?

No, Son. No Mountain Dew.

I want to go to heaven.

That is music to my ears, Son.


Yes, Son?

Since God is a balloon, can I put one inside Robin Hood’s heart so he can float up to heaven and drink water and Mountain Dew with me?

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